Monday, May 4, 2009


When people talk about getting to know themselves, discovering new sides of them selves or their performances, and they go: I'm sure you all recognize this from your own lives... I am usually one of the very few that silently just sit and shake my head. I know who I am, I have never or at least very seldom doubted a talent or skill I knew I possessed. I know what I can, I know who I am and I don't need anyone's approval to believe in the simple mechanics of my own human soul.

You know that scene from Fightclub where the lead characters go something like:
"Oh, I just visited the new fightclub in this or that city."
"There is a new one there?"
"I thought you started that one..."
Then looking at each other like, "who is out there playing us then?"
OK, it's ages since I've seen it, I know this is a hopelessly inaccurate reproduction.

Or even more when one of the dudes comes to one of the fight clubs and meets this guy with a huge thingy around his neck to keep his beaten and wounded head up. The main character is shocked by the sight and walks up to the man and asks,
"Who did this to you?"
The other guy looks back in disbelief to find out if it is a joke. It is not and he replies,
"you did, Sir!"

Or even better than that when in one of the final scenes the dude meets up with Brad Pitt's character and understands that it is himself. He pretends to shoot himself in the head, but it's just a con and the other fella dies. The mirror image, not himself. The other men find him wounded but he is really just happy to have gotten ridd of the devil. And the other guys, not knowing what just happened clench their jaws, saying with a sense of reverence: "He's a hard bastard the boss!"

And suddenly the weird opening scene where the man is seemingly fighting with Brad Pitt, seconds later is fighting the air, makes sense.

He was checking credit card bills, plane tickets and tracking down his friend's moves around the world just to find that he was chasing himself. A double.

I know who I am, I know what I am capable of. Lately I have experienced some uncommon doubt. I think there's a double. I've started to find his traces, but he doesn't know it yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm not psychotic, but I think it is my turn to say: I'm sure some of you recognize this from your own lives... I have friends who went on to become engineers, sales people, administrators, doctors, lawyers and a lot more. Some of them think of anything like this kind of reflection as dangerous and unusual. But those very few that would claim that are the same ones that sold the dreams they set out to accomplish for life's comforts, and it's counterpart: the challenges of the respective life you choose. We shall all die. The time for decisive action, love and fun is now!

He's starting to annoy me. I'm on his track. The double me. When I find him I'll kill him. But someone is standing almost invisibly behind him. But I always had good eyes. And the one behind has a lot to fear for his plans. Men was not intended this way.

After I make the kill I'll come out on the other side and maybe say the unusual words:
"I learned something about myself."

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