Intelligence

We treasure the sexy,

it's even sneaking into mainstream corporate language today

(to my annoyance)

We cherish kindness,

for good reasons

We respect the hard working,

and we should, but to what aims are we working?

We cherish beauty,

even though it will fade

The only beauty that transcends our lifespan is mountains, forests, sunshine, God and His presence

We amaze at fame,

and question too little what brought it about

We once respected loyalty,

do we still?

We crave self-fulfilment,

and leave a trail of broken hearts

***

What is sexy without intelligence?

What is kindness without the stability of commitment?

What is hard work without both intelligence and commitment?

What is beauty without long-term admiration for a soul, it’s just a fleeting moment.

What is fame without substance, character and fidelity?

What is respect without commitment to principle or person?

What is self-fulfilment with regrets and a life span shorter than your own?

***

Intelligence is underrated

Long term planning and commitment is undervalued

There With Me

Melancholy sadness,
lingers over the distance;
in time,
and in lines on the map.

Were we found,
on the same mission?
yours or mine?
and the lines drew your face across my mind.

Whenever it's day,
or in it's counterpart at night;
you and me,
one on the mountain and one by the sea.

Eternity - Love Lost Is Found!

(Photo credit)

On Suicide and the Incredible Gift of Life

I couldn’t sleep and started reading a book I had recently ordered from the US. ‘The Longevity Project.’

I skipped the introduction and went straight to the chapters I was most curious about. The book is built on a life-span study of a large number of people that were born in the early 20th century. –on how they lived, how they thought and how they died. ‘Comprehensive’ is the word!

The book aims to find keys to a long and healthy life, but in the process it also deals with the negative image. Darkness of the mind, timidity, self pity and self destruction; early and violent deaths and the inevitable, suicide.

The book makes reference to a brilliant suicidologist, Dr. Shneidman. Dr. Shneidman did not think too highly about chemical instabilities in the brain as a general explanation to suicide, but was with staggering (and almost spooky) accuracy able to predict personality traits and thought patterns that would culminate in a self-staged goodbye. The chapter went on to describe poison-pills and people who blew their brains out; but also people who lived long and relatively happy lives with few regrets, and who’s only real regret was not to cease more opportunities while they had them.

1 a.m. in the morning this may not be the average choice literature, but whatever you think about it, it is very captivating. Many years ago it would have probably have scared me in the dark of the night, but this time around it’s different.

I have seen enough dark sides of life myself and also through others, to distinguish some of these patterns and personality traits when I come across them. Very briefly we could categorize suiciders into the emotionally motivated and the rationally motivated. There is always an element of emotion; and if we agree that action requires thought, one could even argue that there is also always a rational–or if you will–pseudorational precursor to a suicide.

I used to quarrel a lot years ago with people that claimed suicide to be fundamentally selfish. I still believe that ending yourself is so desperately destructive that one cannot talk about a general rule of self-enhancing selfishness, but with time I have managed to see become aware of some of the grey-zones. There are incidents when I believe a certain degree of selfishness can be claimed if you leave behind strong obligations you have chosen not to complete, but leave to others. But even in these situations the core element of the decision is usually not to pain someone else.

Emotional. Rational.

Emotional can be swift. Something happens and the consequences seems too dire. I heard about a guy who crashed a very expensive car his family owned, plus did a few other small things. His friend who heard the shot told me about it. I am sure his parents would rather want a messed-up son, than one who couldn’t face the bill and ended it. It is strictly not rational and the time-frame it all happened within confirms it. I would call it emotional.

The rational I find easier to understand the mechanics of. It–I believe–is more predictable. It poses as intellectual, but often isn’t. It is like highly selective reading to undergird a very subjective argument in an essay. I know a man who says: “you can always find evidence for what you believe in!” There’s an emotional direction to such thoughts, but the thoughts claim loud and clear: “My name is reason!”

What really struck me tonight was something new.

When you see through the fog you don’t know what the lines on the horizon are; hills, mountains, canyons, valleys? But if you stand there and study every little glimpse of light and shadow the fog gives up, your mind can eventually draw a map of the terrain ahead of you. I have done this myself, after sundown in the winter to match my surroundings to the map when I’ve been lost in the mountains. It works.

What could be more different than emotion and rationale? And do the two have anything in common in a dark and self-destructive mind? I think the fog has let go of so many glimpses of light by now that I’m starting to sense what’s out there. You survive long enough, you watch long enough, you pay attention long enough and you’ll start to see a face–a will. One very determined, tangible evil who once poses as emotion and other times as reason. Gripping the same fundamental weaknesses and lonely parts of the human soul–however different they are–and leading them to the very same place: Life => End, full stop.

Whatever potentials you had left just ran out.

As you start to see him your hair may rise, your pulse increase and fear may come upon you! But it shouldn’t. If you suddenly can distinguish enough of the mountain through the fog, you will know where you are on the map in an instant.

It is encouraging and reassuring! The long-living people in the control-group that were compared to the early suiciders had one regret; all the chances they did not take. The more I see the evil, the more tangible the devil becomes, and he loves hiding! But the stronger you see the shadow, the stronger you see the object who cast it and the light behind it.

Tonight, while not being able to sleep and randomly reading a book, I was reminded about the possibilities of life! –And how some of my own biggest regrets also were not taking more chances. –And that, if there’s a negative and dark image that imitates reason in your life, there’s an even greater God! –And that, when you chose to live, your hindsight will tell you in many years from now, that not living while living was a bigger crime than crashing cars, breaking up, being stupid, failing-while-trying and hoping for the best while the world came crashing down on your head.

15 years ago I spent a year in boarding school of a particular type we have in Scandinavia, while doing a backcountry and sports course. I was rather active. I led the student union, was steeply into the student politics of the school, used the dark-room regularly, sang in the choir, ran off to the nearest mountain for off-piste skiing whenever the snow was falling, had my own keys to the library to prepare work for the union… and distinctly remember regretting after the year was over–at age 17–not taking more chances and getting to know more people.

I Smile

While I was in college studying Music Production I always got these questions... I'm a born and raised church-kid, and when I met new people in church they would light up when I told them what I was studying and ask, "so you wanna work with Christian artists then?" You could see the hopes coming over their faces (especially older people); you know how it's like? -the new generation coming up, doing top notch Christian music for the masses! Yeay! They would name big Christian bands and ask if I wanted to do that kind of stuff, and I be like "No!" I usually managed to hide that I got a bit annoyed! It's a bit like going: "Oh, you wanna be an electrician!? I guess you wanna wire Churches then!?" *Smile* "NO!"

I want to work with top quality music! Who? Give me anything as long as it's got greatness! What would be the dreams? Well... Kylie, Herbie, Velvet Revolver, Boston Symphony Orchestra, Alicia Keys, Lenny Kravitz, Count Basie Orchestra, 杨丞琳, Mary J...

But the road leads me right back to the Church-door when I come across stuff like this:

Kirk Franklin "I Smile"
Kirk Franklin "September"

Countless heavenly ski-trips and dark snowy nights while I still lived in Norway full-time, Kirk Franklin was always an awesome sound-track to my life! It doesn't get any better than this in terms of production quality, and it is about taking a great genre seriously. This is what I mean when I say I want to be involved with top quality music! And when I hear it "I Smile!"


Photo: Kirk Franklin

God and Religion and Faith and Society and stuff...

I’ve lately found myself frequently in a situation where people ask about my relation to the rules of my faith. I quite like these questions, though I often think they are coming from a sense of misunderstanding of what I believe in. So I thought, why not just make a swift comment here while I’m at it.

I believe in God. Many Christians don’t like to say it that way, they’d rather say they believe in Jesus. I believe in Jesus. I believe Jesus is God. I believe in God.

I have over the last half a decade lived around Asia and Europe away from my native Norway. I have friends of many religions and most of us all agree. We believe in God. I am not a unitarianist and I don’t believe we all believe in the same God. I also believe salvation comes from Jesus Christ and nowhere else. That is what I believe. But confessing we all believe in God creates a bridge of understanding across different religions. Now you’re wondering, what do I want to achieve with this bridge? The answer is simple. We’re supposed to live side by side. When we leave our places of worship we’re all mixed anyway.

I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe Jesus brings salvation.

Presented in that order I can have a civilized conversation with friends from any faith. Presented the other way around, although it doesn’t change the statement, I very often find that I can’t. I’d rather try to make the effort of both listening and giving, and presenting it in the most understandable way. I think God appreciates that, cause He made us all to live in peace. I won’t back down on my views, and I’ll allow you the same privilege. But I have no affection (rather a despise) for this post-modern-socialist-or-call-it-what-you-want view that we should all just “shut up” about our faiths. Like that would be a better way to respect others. Bullocks! Some years ago I sat in the lounge of a top-rated Asian hotel with one of the Princes of Saudi-Arabia talking about our faiths. He initiated the topic, and he was the one to first point out the similarities between our faiths. Let me tell you, I have a lot of respect for that! A Muslim Prince can preach to me about our similarities and create a bridge of understanding between us. I love the guy, I must say! And then one comes back home to the West and some schmock who has hardly travelled to the next city tells me that faith is a personal matter best kept to myself, so I can live as peacefully as possible with my Muslim neighbours! If there’s one thing I have discovered that believers of all religions like to hear, it is the sentence “I believe in God!” It creates a bridge between two riverbanks. The only ones who have ever told me to keep silent are prolific non-believers. If you believe that there is nothing to believe in you are in your full right to do so. -And I applaud you for having made the effort to think the matter through and come up with a conclusion you have chosen to believe in! Good! -Don’t let that ever become an excuse to attempt to silence or oppress those who say the opposite: “I believe in God!” That is after all the majority of the world’s population. Christian, Jew, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist… We all have a concept of God. Not the same concept, but an understanding that there is a Deity beyond us. “I believe in God!”

Very often I get questions about the relationship between religious practices and how I live my life. I’ll try to comment…

A lot of Christians have tag-lines like “I hate religion,” “Christ saves, religion destroys” etc… If you’re a contemporary Christian I’m sure you might have heard something similar, if you’re not a Christian I’m not sure you might have heard it at all. And therein lays the problem. My Mac dictionary says about religion that it is “the belief in and worship of […] a personal God or gods.” With the edit I made, that is very close to the Oxford Dictionary, although I don’t have one at hand as this is being written. Semantically, how can a believer “hate” the belief in God? Linguistics is not at the mercy of Theology, and thank God it won’t be!

However, God is not encapsulated in a set of rules and practices defined over time by a mass of men and women. I love tradition! It is inspiring to learn of the exploits of those generations that walked before me, to worship in their ways and get under their skin. But tradition is not God nether. Following religious rules does not equal to believing in God.

If your uncle is dead, can you philosophize over your current and tangiable relationship to him? No! He’s dead.
If he is alive, can you then? Yes!
Your theory may be:
“I want to make my uncle happy.”
“My uncle loves chocolate.”
“Hence, I will do my best effort to bring my uncle chocolate when I see him, cause I want to make him happy.”

If you lose touch of the underlying appreciation of this close relative you won’t easily commit to the first sentence: “I want to make my uncle happy.” And you wouldn’t care less whether he loves this or that food. Subsequently, you’ll take no steps towards his happiness. If you do chose to increase his happiness while feeling no love for him it will give you nothing and just become an empty action. It could sound something like: “I’ll bring my uncle chocolate cause my mom told me to, but I feel no affection for him.” -He’ll understand what you’re thinking! He’ll get the treat, but your face-expression and everything else you do will give you away and he’ll get no relational joy from your thoughtless gift.

God wants you to put your heart and passion in it! -Whatever it is. He don’t give a rip about gifts and treats if your heart is not in them. He wants dedication, love and worship and not gift to make you feel good so you can go away and pride yourself from having done your duty.

So what is the relation between religious rules and my faith in God? Initially nothing. But because of my faith I may set and adopt a certain set of rules, practices or call them what you like. One such could be: “I believe God has created us all so I’ll try to feed, talk to and generally help this homeless dude I see in town when the opportunity arises.” Whether you make a rule of it is of little importance, but God don’t mind your rules if your hearts in them. “So what if I’m not a believer?” God still loves our generosity, compassion and thoughtfulness non the less!

I believe in God. I believe God is alive. I believe there is no one Greater. I believe He has created us. I believe He is present everywhere. I believe He sees much more than our shortcomings. I believe He is looking for love rather than sin. Sin cannot be used for His will. Love can be used for His will. I believe He is looking out for love instead of sin cause love can benefit all His creation. I believe He won’t generally intervene in creation without us asking Him. I believe that is done because He wants us to have freedom of choice. I don’t believe this is to test us.

I love religion, cause it tells us where we’re coming from. If a personal relationship with God does not exist in a religious mind, religion becomes nothing more important than a recipe in a cookbook. In fact, I’d go for the recipe if it’s yummy! Religion as a field of study is sociological of nature. It is also psychological, philosophical, demographical, political and a whole lot more.

God is not sociological, psychological, philosophical, demographical or political of nature. God is God! My relationship to God is not determined by such factors. And where I discover that I am under influence of such outside factors I will try to get ridd of them!

When you see people getting their lives transformed, getting healed of diseases, shaking off addictions in days or on the spot and starting to live like they one day are gonna die and thus get to shake off the worries of their past, God becomes real. People find gravity and meaning in life. Cause in a fast paced modern consumer culture with endless subcultures with individual forms of social capital Rick Warren says it best of all: “It’s not about you!” Life is not about you. You didn’t create you. So it could never be about you. Hedonism, satanism and selfish consumerism has one thesis in common: “It’s about you!” It’s the total polarity of God!

Don’t get it wrong, God wants you to be happy. He don’t mind you being rich. He don’t mind you owning a company. And you don’t have to drive an old hippie car and wear worn out clothes to make yourself holy for him. He don’t mind you owning things. He created all natural resources. He put you here. He said the world was all for man to administer. He don’t mind you owning things or being in politics. But He does mind how you administer what you have in your possession. Cause remember: “It’s not about you!” If everyone lived according to that principle you’d be well covered in kind generosity from all directions anyway. And if people around you don’t practice this, it is still no excuse to sign out and become self-centered. Not for the sake of the rules of a religion. But God does mind! He is alive. He does mind!

So, am I really that holy? Do I really manage to pull it all off and impress God with my efforts? No! Quite on the contrary, I’m full of failures and quirks. But maybe that makes me see even clearer what I’m aiming for. -The standard I sometimes manage to hold, and sometimes fail drastically in achieving! And yes, I listen to very loud music, play rock, smoke cigars, love Cognac, love fast cars, never go to bed in time, got kicked out of a public fountain in Singapore by the security-guard and have never conformed to anyone if they don’t make sense to me. But what did you expect from a music producer?

I believe in God! I’m happy that my brothers of any religion agree on the same! I believe Jesus is the road to salvation. I’m not perfect. I love God cause I chose to, not because I have to. I hate having only Christian friends, the world is not a box catered for my own comfort. I believe “it’s not about me!” I die on the inside if I don’t get adventure. God created adventure. God is adventure!

And last but not least… I have always been strong-minded and aware of my abilities. But in all my human strength I have never ever gone as far as I go when I pray and dig into the word of God. I have also tried the opposite and know the difference. I know my strengths, but am amazed of where it takes me when God is in control instead of me! And this is the final and ultimate answer to the questions I am often asked. Faith kicks in where philosophy has to let go. Your destructive addiction won’t ask what philosophy you subscribe to, but they flee in the face of a greater power! So when people ask what the relationship between my religion and life is, they often expect it to be completely quantifiable. Can you completely quantify your relationship to your mother? I can’t! God is real. I feel Him. I meet Him where my abilities stop, faith kicks in and supernatural things happen. What supernatural things? God’s nearness, doors that suddenly open, people getting healed from illnesses, friends having their lives transformed in a way the human mind cannot achieve alone and the things that happen to my own mind and abilities. A man without a wife but who wants one will restlessly seek till his want is found. A man without God will restlessly seek almost everywhere without knowing what he is looking for. The amazing Swedish songwriter Rebecka Törnqvist said it best of all some years ago: “You’re raging and restless and oh yes, it shows. If it’s not religious it’s pretty damn close.” Some of the people that most prolifically ask questions and most loudly claim that they have the answers are the most “raging and restless” people I ever meet. If that’s “not religious” I would still say “it’s pretty damn close!” I like that they ask about my “religion,” “faith” or whatever you call it, but they often fail to understand that God is real to me and not a concept from a religious book. I love the religious books! But what would you rather do? -Hang out with your friend Tom, or read a book about him? All faith cannot be quantifiable in human terms, and God is real and does not “pop by” just because you read some philosophy about Him. But He opens the door when you knock!

I believe in God! I believe God is real. I believe He is a person. Not a human-person, but a God-person. I believe He knows how it is to be human, because He came to earth as a human infant, was tempted in all things by the devil, was killed and went to hell, rose by His own divine power cause the devil is infinitely much smaller. I believe He broke the power of everything bad, everything that scares you, everything that keeps you bound to ill habits, everything from hell, everything that makes us feel hopeless, everything that makes you sick in body and mind and everything that is trying to hold you back or down or kill you or rob you of joy! God loves you! Why? Why else would He create you?

I said I was gonna make “a swift comment.” Well… I’m not perfect. Only God is!

#09-56 and 196

Eternal sunshine
When I see, I remember
When I see, I am excited
When I see, I want to get back

Remembering early mornings
Warm, before the sun
Warm, before too warm
Bright, with expectation

A glimpse of the sea between the trees, down the street
The cool from the ocean as it slowly brings its breeze,
through my window and out the other,
through my day to yet another

You like the moment, want to stay forever?
You see just surface, I'll show you better!
If paradise is present, then what is future?
For the dream is ahead, and there's nothing truer!

Sunshine of past
The dream I lived
The dream to live
They are all but steps, to a step yet higher

Though all are loved, one is even more
They make me love the things I have never seen before

Eternal sunshine
I looked out my window
Maybe I'll be making music in an hour?

Surreal sleigh rides in Singapore, hotness rated in Starbucks and theories on meat.

Singapore, December 2009

I remember the first time I walked out of the airport. The sun had gone down, but the air was still as hot as always. Strong smells of spices, distant sea and high humidity flung in my face in a blend I had never felt before. I quite enjoyed it and I sensed the excitement of a new chapter of my life. I was moving to Singapore! Setting foot outside Europe for the very first time. Attending a College I had never seen. Never mind the fact that I was following an airport-worker who would take me to the Air France’s service staff because I had left my wallet with my phone, international students card, international drivers licence, Master-card and Visa-card in the seat pocket in front of me on the gigantic jumbo jet. I wasn’t bothered. I was happy. Nothing was gonna tip my mood. And quite right; great air-crew, effective air-port staff and, voilá, I received my belongings a moment later from a member of Changi Airport’s technical staff. I never-ever do blunders like that! But you’d have to shoot me with a 24 pound cannon to break the tide; freedom and exploration here I come!

I was returning again and looked at the rebuilding of the immigrations section of the airport with the curiosity, references and memories of a local. I was greeted by two of my smiling friends, Vienna Mei and Math Faust. We took the MRT-tram and at Tana Merah Interchange the same smells and humidity I had felt the first time pressed against my face again when we left the train. But this time was different. It was expected and I greeted it a warm welcome! I had waited for this moment.

I wasn’t travelling in and out on frequent basis any more. Neither could I queue up in the “locals” queue at the immigrations, since I no longer had a green card. When the winter is extra long, summer is extra welcome. When summer is long, skiers get excited over the very first flake of snow in the air. I hadn’t been back for over two years and intended to enjoy every smell of cassia, jungle and tropical sea that could make its blessed way to my nose!

*

Math and I went to Jurong Point to get food. We talked about going to their house first with my luggage, but after all the travelling I was simply too hungry. I needed food desperately. Meat to be specific! After a major logistical operation of getting a table, at the fully set food court, we went to order. My beef curry disappeared fast and I had to get another plate of chicken rice. Two meals and I was starting to feel more alive again.

We took a taxi home through the long streets packed with well kept housing blocks from Singapore’s Housing Development Board. You may think I’m a geek, but I loved seeing them again. I was back in my second home of Nations. Norway first, then here!

I had left a cold and dark Europe, enveloping itself in long nights and Christmas preparations. It was to become one of the coldest early winters recorded over the last hundred years. And here I was on a tropical island in Asia Pacific. On the stereo the taxi driver had tuned in to a show that was playing big-band Christmas music. How surreal it was! Less than a day earlier I was in cold and dark Europe, and the music would have fit like a hand in a glove. Then I travelled half way around the world to a climate so different, and I’m greeted by Diana Krall singing she wants to go sleigh-riding. –Subsequently followed by the likes of Count Basie. My ears tells me that I’m in Chicago or NYC on a snowy December night, my eyes and nose tells me that I’m on a highly urbanized tropical island. It is such a bizarre feeling that maybe you have to be a musician to understand it, or simply be a citizen of both these worlds at the same time; East and West.

Later when Wei comes home she informs me that it’s my turn to do the dishes, wash and hang the laundry, and clean the toilet and all the floors. Such a staggering amount of work that the only thing I can make out of the order is that she’s trying in her own way to say: “hello, it’s nice to see you again!” –or at least, that’s what I bargain on.

*

Breakfast. I need breakfast! Hungry Europeans used to dark bread and heavy meat needs more than rice and noodles. As much as I love both rice and noodles I crave bread for breakfast as almost always. I had found a Starbucks one of the first days and kept coming back for my daily infusion of bagels and sandwiches accompanied by sparkling water and cappuccinos.

As I had the previous mornings I line up again to order a big package of various yum-yum I need to get through the first hours of the day. The list is extensive to say the least. –At least by East Asian standards... maybe even by European standards. A cute little Malay girl in her late teens or early twenties, who’s got a big smile with shiny braces on, serves me in the counter that day. My order is placed and while various items are roasted, heated and manufactured I hunt for a table with a deep comfortable chair and a view. When it is found I return to the counter to wait for my items. The smiley little lady looks curious and since she’s got nothing else to do she strikes up a conversation.

“Soooo, are you working around here?”

“No, I’m not. I used to study here some years ago. But now I am back for my friends’ wedding actually.”
(Polite smile follows as to pass the conversation back to her in an informal way and to acknowledge her nice conversational initiative.)

“Soooo, are you single?”

(What the heck!?)
“What? Yes, I am!”
(Short answer and stern formal face-expression as to let the topic drop as fast as possible!)

(Big smile, direct eyes.)
“You’re hot!”

(I’m what!?)
“Well, thank you!”
(Looking at the air to spot for Santa Clause or third world war…)

(Waiting…)
(Silence…)
(She keeps smiling.)

“Pling!”

(Signal bell on the toaster.)

Thank God, my food is finished in the roaster and she gets other things to do. I take the tray, say a polite and pseudo-militant “thank you” while she keeps smiling like the sun and returns the courtesy.

I just wanted breakfast, no wife.

*

The taxi driver asks what I’m working with. I tell him I just finished my Masters Degree in Music Production. He says I look very young! I laugh, thank him, say I’m thirty and wait for the reaction. “Wuah? You look younger lah!” He says he thinks I look like I’m in my early twenties, maybe twenty-five at the most. He goes on saying that many Western men gets an “old” look fast. He doesn’t know that we, the same Western men, are sometimes amazed of how young some Asian men can look for their age. The taxi driver philosophies over why many Western men looks so old without realizing that he is calibrating “normal” by men that are not from the West. The conversation amuses me. I think he hasn’t driven around on many skiers, mountaineers and surfers, but rather over worked business-men. He says he is pretty sure the cold and climate of Europe is an important factor. I say I’m a Norwegian skier and mountain-guide and that my skin never looks as fresh and clean as when I’m cruising down hills at high speed in -10°C on a frequent basis. We have to find another solution. I propose my theory that stress and worries is an important factor. After all, many Western men in this community are business-men and working professionals for over-seas companies. We agree that is one of several likely possibilities. Then he says he thinks that eating a lot of meat makes men look older. If they ate more veggies and less animals they would most certainly look younger! I see a number of religious items on his dashboard and knowing what they are I know that he probably subscribe to a more vegetarian diet than my Nordic one. I’m a blonde blood-type zero, primeval dude and the obvious just has to be said: “I eat a lot of meat.” “Oh!? No, really…?” “Yes!” (Laughter). Some confusion seems to follow and we go silent for a while. It seems I didn’t fit into the theories and some thought is required to solve this riddle! We are approaching our target within visual range so any further conversation will have to wait for another time. I pay, thank him for the journey and we say goodbye.